Escape

I'm in the midst of this conflicting stream of emotions. The responsible part of me, naturally, wants my husband to get a job and start bringing home the bucks again so we can do things like, oh, eat, and buy booze, and go out. But there's this other part of me, a guilty part, the part of me attached to most of those irrational feelings that typically dominate the rational ones, that wants him to stay. I know how juvenile that is. We aren't in high school anymore. If we wanted to go on living without having to pay for anything, then marriage probably wasn't the best of ideas. But we didn't get married because it was a good idea. We got married because we loved each other, obsessively and completely.

This guilty little notion hit me when Ben and I were, once again, at my parents' house in Weatherford helping my mother get in and out of bed. For the second time this week, Ben led me out to the pasture and groomed the horses with me, letting me bask in the quiet, relaxing. There's nothing more relaxing to me than my parents' ranch. Small clusters of live oaks tower over sprawling plains. Fat black cows dot the pasture, leisurely eating while their calves bound around nearby. The earthy smell of the horses always remind me of my childhood, when I was calmer, able to shrug off all the little things that bothered me and just be. It's hard for me to quiet my thoughts - I'm sure I should look into meditation at some point, but isn't it more fun to eat popcorn, drink cheap wine, and play video games with my husband? Yes, yes it is.

I like this escape, and I like Ben being here. Even though I could strangle him and rip that scraggly beard off his unshaven face for not trying harder to find a job, I like him being here. The real world is such a pain, and nothing in it seems to be getting better in the slightest bit. Not for us, anyway. I know that it's not practical, but I don't care about the situation Ben and I are in. Sure, we're broke, we don't have insurance, we're in a little bit of debt, we live in an apartment we surely can't afford - but we have it so much better than so many people. I know it sounds so cheesy - but it's because we have each other. The problems of the world are a lot easier to bear when you don't have to do it alone.